Escape. 

Away from life, away from humanity.

Drift.

out far from no where. where i can scream at the world. Even though im so far out i cant see it but i know that the world keeps spinning. My peace with it im still trying to find. The waves crashing into me from all sides. With different faces they laugh as i struggle to…

Swim. 

These evil faces, souls filled with dark spaces they laugh. Because misery loves company and i wont join them.

Drown. 

In my own fear of falling victim to life. Hoping to breathe a breath of fresh air.
But i have forgotten how to swim. Teaching those in hope that they would remember what it felt like to drown. Reality has become insanity where my sane has lost me…. or ive lost it… i dont know who left who but, 

i want it back. 

And as im out here lost, drowning a flash back of my younger being clouds my mind. All i can see is him….. with his hands under my body looking down at me saying. 

"you must learn how to float before you can swim" 

Eyes open i come back. Im still drowning. I stop trying to swim allowing my body to come to the surface and… 

Float…

Float back to life because my future is waiting. Back to shore where i can stand again. I wont be standing alone Love will be waiting for me. Because the Love was never lost.

Shoulderless..

Is there such a thing called 
being "too nice?" "caring too much?".
I think your heart gets filled up with 
so much disappointment, and disgust 
that... its not even worth changing 
who you are for it. so ill be, 
"too nice" & "care too much"
if i change that would only give you more credit.
& its not worth it. 

Brittnicole-

"It doesn't hurt because if you keep hurting the same part of you again and again and again, the nerve endings all die. And when that happens, that part of you goes numb. That's why it doesn't hurt. Don't be proud of it." - IWTFY

My Brothers' Keeper

His eyes were dark.

Filled with unknown answers and I had a million questions.

These eyes I remembered so soft like a Childs.

Pure and inspirational.

I cringed for him because his eyes reminded me of my pain.

His same routines became tiresome.

Never knowing how to make amends with trust.

Falling backwards blindfolded in hopes someone will catch you.

I gave you a parachute.

Words to help you stay flying until you found your way back home.

He told me his ‘flight was shackles coated in fear that give way to our deepest pains.

Maintained that distance because the heart hurt more than he smiled.

My brother’s smile was like receiving a piece of heaven.

We all have our childlike insecurities.

We never kept secrets because we were afraid of the lies.

Lies that would creep around in the night leaving you sleepless.

Punished because you weren’t afraid of being honest.

I never understood why you would disappear for so long.

Unknown questions I didn’t care to know the answers to

You were back.

Broken but fixable.

Angry with anyone that ever hurt you. But I always had a forgiving heart.

Ready on the front lines if anyone dare to strike bullets at you.

Protecting our friendship so you would never be broken to no return.

Standing ready because you were not alone.

Reaching out, looking past the smoke and debris the only person around was me.

Retracing our child memories again my brother had left me.

Alone…. so I chose my battles carefully.

Still defending…

 For I had love for you.

I was always older, but you were bigger so I knew I would be protected.

Another loved one gone.

Unknown reasons, that no longer mattered.

I was real, my intentions never to draw weapons because I only knew how to love.

Thriving off inspiration to have it sucked out of me.

Fallen tears, because I never learn my lesson.

No words, no goodbyes, or amends.

Tossing because I’ve lost another friend.

Closing my eyes I could pretend nothing ever happened.

Wish on falling stars that I would have maintained my distance.

Loss of a brother will be another pain I have to swallow.

Another needle drawn to my skin.

Never having the chance to tell him my story because he was gone.

Our stories will never fade.

Always making them permanent in case my memory fades.

Our circumstance was a mire image of bad timing.

Falling was never an option

Just a free fall until your feet touched the ground.

Searching for a piece of sanity

My words were only to keep your head above water.

Never to let you drown.

We hide our scars because weakness is not an option.

Tuck them in quiet places so they will never remind us that we can still bleed.

Hearts broken just to walk barefoot on broken glass.

Liable to bleed without ever seeing the cut.

My cuts are always hidden.

Covered away for a rainy day.

Just to sit and write melancholy writings.

Smiling but my lips always go numb.

Pretty insecurities have become consistent.

No one there when I scrap my knee.

Sorry’s merely are unsecured bandages.

Falling off when it rains.

To take the time to see why I have even fallen

Is apparently insane

A true apology from anyone. Is just screaming in vain. 

Lies Behind Eyes.

Funny thing about photographs is pictures never lie.

At a flash of a moment, a memory is taken.

You can never get that back.

The feelings, the thoughts.  

Joy, hurt, pain.

This picture I can’t tell what is missing.

Your eyes have no ambition left.

No comfort satisfying inspiration behind your eyes.

Just nothing, no life, no memories.

Dead.

Your eyes use to mesmerize me

Fill me with comfort that you’re ok, Without me.

A million broken pieces I can’t seem to form back together

The life and love I once saw.

It is gone, I no longer recognize you.

& at that moment the comfort of your wellbeing has left me with a

Unknown.

I’ve seen a stranger that I once knew so well.

Once smiled and laughed because I always knew you would be ok.

I would be ok. Without you.

My scars of you have healed but will always be visible

Remembering that you were once so open even when the wound hurt.

I would bleed in contentment.

Drops of love would stain my notebook.

The stains will always remain.

I watch you in silence, my chapter is done

Eyes that make me want to cry.

But all you will tell me is that you’re living.

(You were always good at telling lies)

What’s living when you have lost your purpose?

Is it worth it?

Are you free to say this is the happiest you have ever been

Broken bridges to look out and see you will never cross.

Holding back because you don’t realize you were always strongest on your own.

But you’re never alone.

Your sins have built and you never had the chance to repent.

Never let your own wounds heal completely.

And in your eyes I can see you’re wounded deeply.

More than you will admit.

Falling so in love with your pain, you forgot how to leave it behind.

Owl at night you sit and think how it got so far.

So gone your fingers bleed weeping with your guitar.

You get lost in the music. Find your comfort zone.

Alone.

So much possibility that is under the surface.

But your Eyes have become legally blind.

You always said you’re just trying to survive.

But your eyes always told the deepest lies. 

Pages

Sometimes Promises are never enough.

The word 'Loyalty' is insignificant to this generation.

Even passed our own generation has no room

For meaningless advice, the word loyalty has become faint.

We never know what kind of destruction

Our hearts will lead us to.

The heart is a dangerous weapon.

Leading us in the dark

Blinded because we know not any truth.

How do i follow my heart..

when it only leads me to melancholy writings.

I've tried to leave memories behind

But they always play catch up; reminding me i can never forget.

Letting letters and old photographs stray me off

Murder my secrets that i swore i would keep to myself.

You always did have a way of exposing my secrecy.

My secrets are now frozen at the place where I claimed to heal.

The wounds must of become too familiar

And now are transparent to my skin.

I have been at this place before,

So i should know how to finish this book.

Each time adding on a new chapter, New page in this book.

I forget how to finish.

Pretty hands bleed, from the scars etched in these pages.

You would think i would learn to re-read the manuscript

Remember my pain.

I've begun writing in vain.

Not learning from my mistakes.

Misery silently creeps through my words and I lose who I become.

Each time your blows are hidden on my body.

No one ever knowing I was weakened.

Tears stain my cheeks, for now the music was lost.

Sweet lullabies'

Placing warm smiles on summer days'

A melody of memories has ceased.

Lying still. I have died a little.

I dont blame you.

I have murdered my own heart

Allowing you to steal my dreams'

Take away the small joy I once claimed.

Still never had the strength to curse your name.

Even when you cut,

going straight for the throat.

Humiliation invades my screaming walls.

Another sentence, demolishing this book we created.

Never allowing me to finish a pretty sentence.

Fairy tales are always left at a distance.

Writings' have become my witness.