Escape. 

Away from life, away from humanity.

Drift.

out far from no where. where i can scream at the world. Even though im so far out i cant see it but i know that the world keeps spinning. My peace with it im still trying to find. The waves crashing into me from all sides. With different faces they laugh as i struggle to…

Swim. 

These evil faces, souls filled with dark spaces they laugh. Because misery loves company and i wont join them.

Drown. 

In my own fear of falling victim to life. Hoping to breathe a breath of fresh air.
But i have forgotten how to swim. Teaching those in hope that they would remember what it felt like to drown. Reality has become insanity where my sane has lost me…. or ive lost it… i dont know who left who but, 

i want it back. 

And as im out here lost, drowning a flash back of my younger being clouds my mind. All i can see is him….. with his hands under my body looking down at me saying. 

"you must learn how to float before you can swim" 

Eyes open i come back. Im still drowning. I stop trying to swim allowing my body to come to the surface and… 

Float…

Float back to life because my future is waiting. Back to shore where i can stand again. I wont be standing alone Love will be waiting for me. Because the Love was never lost.

Shoulderless..

Is there such a thing called 
being "too nice?" "caring too much?".
I think your heart gets filled up with 
so much disappointment, and disgust 
that... its not even worth changing 
who you are for it. so ill be, 
"too nice" & "care too much"
if i change that would only give you more credit.
& its not worth it. 

Brittnicole-

"It doesn't hurt because if you keep hurting the same part of you again and again and again, the nerve endings all die. And when that happens, that part of you goes numb. That's why it doesn't hurt. Don't be proud of it." - IWTFY

My Brothers' Keeper

His eyes were dark.

Filled with unknown answers and I had a million questions.

These eyes I remembered so soft like a Childs.

Pure and inspirational.

I cringed for him because his eyes reminded me of my pain.

His same routines became tiresome.

Never knowing how to make amends with trust.

Falling backwards blindfolded in hopes someone will catch you.

I gave you a parachute.

Words to help you stay flying until you found your way back home.

He told me his ‘flight was shackles coated in fear that give way to our deepest pains.

Maintained that distance because the heart hurt more than he smiled.

My brother’s smile was like receiving a piece of heaven.

We all have our childlike insecurities.

We never kept secrets because we were afraid of the lies.

Lies that would creep around in the night leaving you sleepless.

Punished because you weren’t afraid of being honest.

I never understood why you would disappear for so long.

Unknown questions I didn’t care to know the answers to

You were back.

Broken but fixable.

Angry with anyone that ever hurt you. But I always had a forgiving heart.

Ready on the front lines if anyone dare to strike bullets at you.

Protecting our friendship so you would never be broken to no return.

Standing ready because you were not alone.

Reaching out, looking past the smoke and debris the only person around was me.

Retracing our child memories again my brother had left me.

Alone…. so I chose my battles carefully.

Still defending…

 For I had love for you.

I was always older, but you were bigger so I knew I would be protected.

Another loved one gone.

Unknown reasons, that no longer mattered.

I was real, my intentions never to draw weapons because I only knew how to love.

Thriving off inspiration to have it sucked out of me.

Fallen tears, because I never learn my lesson.

No words, no goodbyes, or amends.

Tossing because I’ve lost another friend.

Closing my eyes I could pretend nothing ever happened.

Wish on falling stars that I would have maintained my distance.

Loss of a brother will be another pain I have to swallow.

Another needle drawn to my skin.

Never having the chance to tell him my story because he was gone.

Our stories will never fade.

Always making them permanent in case my memory fades.

Our circumstance was a mire image of bad timing.

Falling was never an option

Just a free fall until your feet touched the ground.

Searching for a piece of sanity

My words were only to keep your head above water.

Never to let you drown.

We hide our scars because weakness is not an option.

Tuck them in quiet places so they will never remind us that we can still bleed.

Hearts broken just to walk barefoot on broken glass.

Liable to bleed without ever seeing the cut.

My cuts are always hidden.

Covered away for a rainy day.

Just to sit and write melancholy writings.

Smiling but my lips always go numb.

Pretty insecurities have become consistent.

No one there when I scrap my knee.

Sorry’s merely are unsecured bandages.

Falling off when it rains.

To take the time to see why I have even fallen

Is apparently insane

A true apology from anyone. Is just screaming in vain. 

Lies Behind Eyes.

Funny thing about photographs is pictures never lie.

At a flash of a moment, a memory is taken.

You can never get that back.

The feelings, the thoughts.  

Joy, hurt, pain.

This picture I can’t tell what is missing.

Your eyes have no ambition left.

No comfort satisfying inspiration behind your eyes.

Just nothing, no life, no memories.

Dead.

Your eyes use to mesmerize me

Fill me with comfort that you’re ok, Without me.

A million broken pieces I can’t seem to form back together

The life and love I once saw.

It is gone, I no longer recognize you.

& at that moment the comfort of your wellbeing has left me with a

Unknown.

I’ve seen a stranger that I once knew so well.

Once smiled and laughed because I always knew you would be ok.

I would be ok. Without you.

My scars of you have healed but will always be visible

Remembering that you were once so open even when the wound hurt.

I would bleed in contentment.

Drops of love would stain my notebook.

The stains will always remain.

I watch you in silence, my chapter is done

Eyes that make me want to cry.

But all you will tell me is that you’re living.

(You were always good at telling lies)

What’s living when you have lost your purpose?

Is it worth it?

Are you free to say this is the happiest you have ever been

Broken bridges to look out and see you will never cross.

Holding back because you don’t realize you were always strongest on your own.

But you’re never alone.

Your sins have built and you never had the chance to repent.

Never let your own wounds heal completely.

And in your eyes I can see you’re wounded deeply.

More than you will admit.

Falling so in love with your pain, you forgot how to leave it behind.

Owl at night you sit and think how it got so far.

So gone your fingers bleed weeping with your guitar.

You get lost in the music. Find your comfort zone.

Alone.

So much possibility that is under the surface.

But your Eyes have become legally blind.

You always said you’re just trying to survive.

But your eyes always told the deepest lies. 

Pages

Sometimes Promises are never enough.

The word 'Loyalty' is insignificant to this generation.

Even passed our own generation has no room

For meaningless advice, the word loyalty has become faint.

We never know what kind of destruction

Our hearts will lead us to.

The heart is a dangerous weapon.

Leading us in the dark

Blinded because we know not any truth.

How do i follow my heart..

when it only leads me to melancholy writings.

I've tried to leave memories behind

But they always play catch up; reminding me i can never forget.

Letting letters and old photographs stray me off

Murder my secrets that i swore i would keep to myself.

You always did have a way of exposing my secrecy.

My secrets are now frozen at the place where I claimed to heal.

The wounds must of become too familiar

And now are transparent to my skin.

I have been at this place before,

So i should know how to finish this book.

Each time adding on a new chapter, New page in this book.

I forget how to finish.

Pretty hands bleed, from the scars etched in these pages.

You would think i would learn to re-read the manuscript

Remember my pain.

I've begun writing in vain.

Not learning from my mistakes.

Misery silently creeps through my words and I lose who I become.

Each time your blows are hidden on my body.

No one ever knowing I was weakened.

Tears stain my cheeks, for now the music was lost.

Sweet lullabies'

Placing warm smiles on summer days'

A melody of memories has ceased.

Lying still. I have died a little.

I dont blame you.

I have murdered my own heart

Allowing you to steal my dreams'

Take away the small joy I once claimed.

Still never had the strength to curse your name.

Even when you cut,

going straight for the throat.

Humiliation invades my screaming walls.

Another sentence, demolishing this book we created.

Never allowing me to finish a pretty sentence.

Fairy tales are always left at a distance.

Writings' have become my witness.

These Walls

We have secrets only the walls can share.

Keeping them alive within their truth

Soft kisses, and warm touches

Countless mornings, when the sun awoke us to each other

Holding breaths just to be relieved

by seeing the reflection of your eyes looking at mine.

Moments captured in memories only the walls can conceal

Intimate talks and soft laughs beneath the sheets.

My lips never going dry from the warm moister of your breath

Pictures fill walls of desire

Never having absence of compassion.

We all have a weakness of being in complete serenity of love

Being in love was like overwhelming happiness

In empty spaces that I did not know I had In my heart

These walls knew it all.

They have witness silent screams and damp pillows

Seen a soulless body lie waiting for depleted love

Tears that cleanse the wounds on my body.

Washing away my pain, but drowning in sorrow.

Hearts begin to beat slowly as time slipped away.

Agony inside my heart .

Not being able to breathe because he was my air.

Love becoming sex without meaning.

Lying there helpless , questioning how it got to this point.

How all the deceit could catch up so fast.

These lies that I claimed I had forgiven.

But forgiveness doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t go away.

Having her lips imprinted on your collar

To remind me that my love was lost.

Which you began to feel my pain the same.

Never intentionally meaning to hurt you.

Asking only for a chance to bring back the love.

I guess one chance was asking to much from you my dear.

Beginning the new year with melancholy writings.

Never knowing the beginning was the end.

Leaving her scent in the home which we had created.

Losing faith because of your one heartbreak.

I never stopped loving .

My walls are my alibi that nothing ever changed.

The pictures remained on my walls invisible to anyone else

These walls can tell more stories than I can in one lifetime.

As if the scarlet letter attach to me wasn’t enough evidence

My secrets have been written on these walls.

Never leaving this room.

my walls have written :

we miss the sweet smell of your scent,

the morning laughs and compassionate nights.

Missing the music surrounding the love confided in this room.

Cold nights greeting you with warm mornings.

I could read the writings of these walls forever.

Reminisce the pictures they withhold.

I could put myself through misery

waiting for my walls to give me the answers.

Writing about our yesterdays waiting for tomorrow to happen.

I could never leave these walls because they have comforted me

In which my soul cannot let go

These walls have changed history

Leaving behind a declaration of our devotion.

Remembering our past so its not condemned to repeat

Swearing to secrecy the writings on these walls

Are like the ink on my body telling stories

Of the pain when it happened,

But that pain only last for so long before the body is imbedded in ink.

Reading the scripture of the walls the stories will remain the same

My walls will always manuscript your name.

Story Synopsis

This is becoming redundant.

Walking around like some kind of god.

Trying to figure out the world’s philosophy

You know nothing without knowledge

One day you will learn when the salt hits

And your eyes begin to burn.

Thanking me for everything when your actions

Show me no credit for my hard work.

So yet I have failed, in accomplishing any mission.

Trying to find different ways to make you better

In this world that you live in.

Maybe I should of invested in glass

And your time may not pass so easily

When looking in the reflection of your own filth

This mess you created

no one can see it Because they think that you’ve made it.

But you have Your picture locked away behind a bolted door

Hiding it from the world so they cannot see the damage

To this frame,

all they see is youth a price you pay in vain.

Ain't it a shame how so many pictures can tell so many lies

Never needed a picture because you were living in a painting.

Always wanted to freeze time when time was in the frame.

Now all you freeze is pain.

And you wonder why it’s not the same.

Began to sink in this ocean of lies,

Great swimmer but could only trend water for so long.

Started to drown in this wave you call life.

Going up and down up and down

How do you expect to survive?

These waves causing massive destruction

Poor Japan, they were left with nothing.

Being under water you lose all senses.

Doesn’t seem worth it

Thank god I finally made it out of this ocean

Got sea sick from this wave of emotion.

Now I can finally breathe

Standing on land that was created for me.

Because the ground also moves

Just hard to see when you don’t look at your feet.

I lied. Saying I didn’t know if I could make it

Saw my options and finally weighed it.

My scars remain permanent

Never forgetting the pain

Of her name edged on your lips in vain

With my soul wounded my smile still remains the same

Won’t play the victim ill take my part

Wednesdays are sad days at the same ol park.

Understand my silence.

Because this is becoming so timeless.

Think this is the story synopsis

Trust me I haven’t even began to write it.

“without suffering there would be no compassion”

The pain that I feel is indescribable

Life time friendships ruined in a matter of a night

I don’t even know if I am strong enough for this fight

This agony of my life falling apart in the palms of my hands

Once again by a man.

But not just anyone. My other half

My heart, my soul

I guess years of dedication are no longer symbolistic

My life at arm’s reach but not even being able to hold on

How many tears do I need to cry?

To prove my loyalty

I believe my scars have left enough symbolic memories of my life.

I’m beginning to lose who I am

Questioning if god still loves me and if love is there why he has allowed hell into my life

This no longer has anything to do with my pride..

Because pride makes the heart hard and from the womb my hearts always been soft.

Can’t change who I am for the comfort of your pleasure.

Try playing the victim because you have begun to murder your own heart.

Taking down walls that should of never been built.

My hands begin to bleed trying to climb these walls.

Can’t hide behind my smiles and pretend that I still don’t bleed.

Your mark is so deep that I no longer no where to begin to cleanse this wound.

You have taken everything that I have created and let her in. ‘

Prancing around like some kind of goddess as she rests her head where

My scent use to lie. Doing all the things that we planned with her

But really lying to yourself wishing her. Was me

Do I still haunt you in your sleep because you have stayed in my dreams

I try to hide behind my laughs and smiles like everything is ok.

When all I have are ache’s from silent screams, damped pillows from these endless dreams.

I still feel your hands across my body as I lay at night

And the sensational feeling of you rubbing your fingers through my hair to help me sleep at night.

Well I may have not slept so well but I did sleep

My eyes are burning from watching every sunrise to sunset

Wondering when I will ever sleep again.

I have destroyed everything that reminds me of my pain

But the memories still know their way back home.

My eyes begin to chase stars hoping that fairy tales still can come true.

But how can there be a fairy tale without you?

I was not perfect but I have served my sentence

No longer guilty because I have proven my innocence.

My words have become the bars and you have been locked inside of me

Trying to get the strength to find the key and set you free.

If I could go back. Back to the days when love didn’t hurt so much

When crying only came from laughing

When I love you made your heart sink.

Because that was love. Our love.

And if I close my eyes I can still see you and me

Even through all the pain and suffering

I still stand strong waiting for you to take me by your side

For you to protect my pride, show me loyalty.

Because there’s no real you without me.

one day you will begin too see.

La cicatrisation des plaies

You have become my enemy.
Where we stand at battle lines
Drawing out our weapons.
Air has stopped filling my lungs
for now I am empty.
The heat from the line of words
is becoming to heavy
I no longer have any words to
speak.
Now my notebook reeks of our blood
Stains that cannot be washed
Fighting for justice from being Humilulated in front of friends.
Friends that now stand behind my enemy lines.
Forming your army filled with
lies and promises that were broken.
You forgot all our words ever spoken.
Now I am a foreigner to you
a stranger you no longer recognize
because you have learned to hide behind your lies and now
it’s the loyalty in which you
deprive.
Ive taken the letters and
shredded them into paper like
pieces and burn them straight to hell.
And I’m a little bit “crazy” in your words if you can’t tell
But in my words it’s not called crazy it’s called love…
Or being unloved.
I am done
Found me a new weapon so I put away my gun
If it’s victory you search for then you have won.
Flight is freedom
But my wings have not left the ground
This war has cause me to be mentally bound.
I now have new battle wounds to show that this fight was real
It’s not just my heart that needs to be healed
I have friends that always question my motive
Wondering why I never spoke out. And only wrote it
I should of known I was wrong singing my friends the same sad old song
I never took the time to listen
Because you were all in my ear saying it was none of their business
Now I have all these photographic memories
Thanking god if finally hit me.
Digging up all these deep rooted issues
Looking in my mirror screaming “I finally missed you”
You might have an idea but you don’t know what the fuck I’ve been through.

Brittnicole-

Dear Friend.

You came to me unbidden, unwoven you Looked to me for comfort. My hand stretched but, not knowing the conditions of saving you. You came to me with tears and sorrows looking for mywords so you could make it to tomorrow. You gave me this knotted heart as if I was a seamstressable to untangle your heartaches, untangle your life which was a mess. A mess I was willing to clean up. You made me swear under oath that I would never leave you, that I would commit myself to always be your friend. I took that promise and sealed it with sweet kisses knowing I would never let you down. I stood through your pain and raised you from the dead when you had been sucked out of life.

My friend,

I sit here thinking of these photographic memories of you not there. I didn’t know my love could push you so afar, I didn’t know my compassion could make your voice mute.

My friend,

You have drifted so far I can no longer see you. I brought you a light but, you hide in the dark.

Dear friend,

I’m sorry for caring too much, I’m sorry for you loving my heart, that you would make you think I would leave. My friend I’m sorry because maybe my sorry’s will show you how I’ve needed you and you were no were to be found. My sleepless nights, MY pain, MY sorrow… why didn’t you answer me when you heard my screams! You came to me when you were in need and never once did you hear my plea!

My friend…. How could you do this to me?

Fanatic Socialist

Ok sooo I love your blog, your flickr, your twitter. And even though I don’t go on much I love your fb & and myspace. I’ve fell in love with your words keyed in on your keyboard. When you update my heart races waiting for more. I am in love with your pictures snap shot memories that will forever be embraced by me. I love the way you format your page and make it look all artsy and shit. I love being in love with your artistic ways. And even though my thoughts have a mental spasm trying to figure out what your updates mean I believe I’m becoming a Fein for your social networks. And if I was ever cut off from my frenzies of scrolling through these pages I just might go insane, and I have all your social networks to blame.

Love, your fanatic socialist

unbelievable.

somethings will remain permanent.

forever apart of me.

lets

lets scream at the top of our lungs. lets blast the music in the car as loud as we can. lets do the unthinkable. lets leap for a little danger. lets take a little risk. lets count all the stars. lets race our cars in the middle of the night. lets tell each other secrets that no one knows. lets sit at the street light and watch the lights change. lets list all the plans we have. lets smile about nothing at all. lets do all these things one at a time. lets do this together because with out you all these things seem pointless. lets live.

-brittnicole

Our Souls Thirst.

Like water, we need to survive the current of our motions are hydrophilic.

i have become oxygen giving our compound energy to breathe.& you my hydrogen needing our 2 hearts to make up our element.

H2O that is physically blended together,we are not bound by chemical bond.

us as one we are loved, wanted, thirsted for.

we are a universal salvage

water which carries heat giving passion. interlocking the heat until its released.

our elements sitting on Opposite ends of the periodic table seems to give us a negative chemical reaction. water coming in contact with nonchalant substances.

These "substances" that have the perfect round shape of their bodies. seeping in our perfectly formatted substance. adding to many of these extra chemicals is beginning to make our

PH below 7 forcing us to become acidic. My oxygen trying to format

The Law of Thermal Dynamics to create equilibrium for you and I to go back to our Neutral stage of 7.as we become balanced again. you bring your

Hydrogen

H

2 my oxygen

O

making our molecule quench our souls thirst for a lifetime.

This small thought for you.

you've become the goosebumps that lay across my skin.

the pulse that keeps my heart beating,

the food my soul yearns for,

but

i have goosebumps when you leave.

my heart still beats when your away,

and my soul is never quite satisfied from my hunger,

i haven't come up with a complete concept on why

my feelings are so infatuated with your being.

but,

your soul must love my soul because you kept on reading.

This is for you.

TianaMonique

sooo basically my cousin is the shit! deff had a jam session in the studio today and i can say im not the least bit suprised i knew she could do it! she is blowin up and yall will have to cop her album soon! o n trust i must give props to greyson for deff taking bomb pics today he is honestly talented. heres his blog follow him. knowsnobounds.blogspot.com. anywho loookk out for tianamonique!

Crying Plea.

My dad is cruel.

making me feel as if i dont belong.

What happened to the happy little girl

in the picture with her dad?

now all i have is photographic memories of your love.

a pretty little snap shot of how much you USE to love me.

Daddy's little angel.

your princess.

Dad.

Dad!

Dad!?

Will you not hug and kiss me as if i was five again?

Just in a matter of three years it took you to despise me.

Since Ive found my own voice,

you no longer want to hear my words.

Dad i have dreams that you have no knowledge of.

i have lost love that you never warned me about.

It is you i blame! - For not keeping my heart protected.

It is you i balme! - For all these fallen tears.

I blame you dad...

for not warning me of these heartbreaks that i have encountered.

How can i expect him to love me when you do not?

I want to be loved.

Love me

Love me

The only way i can say this is through poetic misery.

this is the way, My way

i want to say something to you.

when i leave dont forget the beautiful vibrations of my voice.

send me a note from time to time

Please dad

dont forget me.

I was the first to cry in your arms and, the last to feel your love.

Where'd I do wrong?

Is the color of my skin not right?

is it because my mother is black and theirs is white?

is it my uniqueness that crawls under your skin?

can i fall into your arms again...

will you accept my plea?

How will i ever learn how to love a man dad?

will you take time to teach me?

These drive by, counterfeit love from these men

have been more than you have given me in twenty years.

Dad i still am the same little girl in the photograph.

its ok to make me happy.

its ok to call me "daddys little girl"

I still am that same girl ive just grown up.

But its ok to love me.

love me dad.

daddy.

please.

Just love me.

Please...

-Brittnicole-

La'Niiyah Marie Johnson

my niece La'Niiyah Marie Johnson was born on december 11, 2009

she was 5lbs7.5oz

so my sister finally had her baby!

i know she was itttybitty

i cant wait to go home in 5 days to see her and everyone else

i can say that i have become so much happier by

letting go of the past,

living in the present,

& looking into the future.

have so many people who love and care about me and that i love and care about as well.

i probably will be taking off some of my post on this site. because they no longer need to be up.

not that the past hasnt help me be who i am today but i dont think i need a daily reminder. but i will be posting more of my work up i just havnt had too much time. =) well i hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and i hope your new years will be as good as mine ;)

Morning Rhythm...

Was it

his words he spoke?

his smile?

his laugh?

or that he's been in pain?

Maybe its reality driving me insane.

Confusion scatters through my mind

pondering why..a woman would leave his heart behind.

As i slept my nightmares turned into dreams.

& waking up wasn't as bad as it seemed.

Maybe because his eyes shined

Emerald green....