Saturday, December 19, 2009

Crying Plea.

My dad is cruel.
making me feel as if i dont belong.
What happened to the happy little girl
in the picture with her dad?
now all i have is photographic memories of your love.
a pretty little snap shot of how much you USE to love me.
Daddy's little angel.
your princess.
Will you not hug and kiss me as if i was five again?
Just in a matter of three years it took you to despise me.
Since Ive found my own voice,
you no longer want to hear my words.
Dad i have dreams that you have no knowledge of.
i have lost love that you never warned me about.
It is you i blame! - For not keeping my heart protected.
It is you i balme! - For all these fallen tears.
I blame you dad...
for not warning me of these heartbreaks that i have encountered.
How can i expect him to love me when you do not?
I want to be loved.
Love me
Love me
The only way i can say this is through poetic misery.
this is the way, My way
i want to say something to you.
when i leave dont forget the beautiful vibrations of my voice.
send me a note from time to time
Please dad
dont forget me.
I was the first to cry in your arms and, the last to feel your love.
Where'd I do wrong?
Is the color of my skin not right?
is it because my mother is black and theirs is white?
is it my uniqueness that crawls under your skin?
can i fall into your arms again...
will you accept my plea?
How will i ever learn how to love a man dad?
will you take time to teach me?
These drive by, counterfeit love from these men
have been more than you have given me in twenty years.

Dad i still am the same little girl in the photograph.
its ok to make me happy.
its ok to call me "daddys little girl"
I still am that same girl ive just grown up.
But its ok to love me.
love me dad.



Just love me.



Sunday, December 13, 2009

La'Niiyah Marie Johnson

my niece La'Niiyah Marie Johnson was born on december 11, 2009
she was 5lbs7.5oz

so my sister finally had her baby!
i know she was itttybitty
i cant wait to go home in 5 days to see her and everyone else
i can say that i have become so much happier by
letting go of the past,
living in the present,
& looking into the future.
have so many people who love and care about me and that i love and care about as well.
i probably will be taking off some of my post on this site. because they no longer need to be up.
not that the past hasnt help me be who i am today but i dont think i need a daily reminder. but i will be posting more of my work up i just havnt had too much time. =) well i hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and i hope your new years will be as good as mine ;)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Morning Rhythm...

Was it
his words he spoke?
his smile?
his laugh?
or that he's been in pain?
Maybe its reality driving me insane.
Confusion scatters through my mind
pondering why..a woman would leave his heart behind.
As i slept my nightmares turned into dreams.
& waking up wasn't as bad as it seemed.
Maybe because his eyes shined
Emerald green....

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Little White Seed.

Something like a seed.
So diminutive, & dull.
Placed in a garden eager to grow.
As HER brown skin soil,
covered your naked white seed
her love & passion is what you began to feed.
Just to give you enough to produce a bud,
thats how she showed you her love.
So beautiful you are, you begin to bloom,
& the twilight danced around you from the shadows of the moon.
As HER clouds rolled in,
so did the sin.
Leaving wet kisses from the rain,
that night stronger yall became.
As summer beamed in she became so fierce
her soil dried up & you prayed for tears.
As you commence to die
so did the feeling which she deprived.
we could all see that you were dying outside.
How you survived that summer we will never know,
your petals are on the grown
she left you so low.
Now, .. fall has come,
& you have cleaned out your weeds
a tickle of cool air now you can breathe!
Little WHITE SEED its not over yet.
winter is coming & the sun will set.
Gather your strength to keep you warm,
hold yourself up here comes the storm.
Winter is icy, cold, & wet
but Little Seed this is just your first step.
So scream out your silent tears
but don't give up, spring is near.
As your days get warmer
& you start to breathe.
Look at you now
we see you now the beauty you behold,
forgive me for my words
this was your story untold.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

screaming sickness*

Last night I tossed n silent screams.

I woke with my ears at dreadful rings.

sickness prevailed& kept me at lie.

will no one hear my lonely cries?


Monday, September 21, 2009

The sole of my shoe.

I have walked alone, seeking answers

I have lived isolated, chasing dreams

I have tried to prove my worth

To those who are worthless judges.

I have cried my pain, in silent screams.

I have stumbled alone, through tunnels of agony.

But no more!...

I rest my feet in the sole of my shoe.


I walk with the little girl, I use to be.

I live to fulfill my dreams.

I have the knowledge of myself worth.

& have tattooed my pain, throughout my body.

In remembrance of what brought me to this life.

This life… that has yet to begun.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Reality of Unspoken Words

Kissed my lips as we said goodbye.

Tears lavished my eyes aware I would see yu again

Gazing at yur lips as they expressed the words I’ve been yearning to hear.


I-I would never hurt you like the rest.


L –Lies are not tattooed on my lips.


O-Offering you a shoulder to cry on.


V-Victoriously showing I’m like no other “man”


E-Engaged in my feelings for yu.


Y-You cant see how I really am.


O-Overcoming the game for you.


U-Uniquely strategizing how not to break your heart.

A Delivered Letter contradicted all these words you pronounced.

Made me realize..

The Reality of Unspoken words.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Delivered Letter

I wrote yu a letter.
The bruises, the scraps that came from my fingertips.
Created this masterpiece.
All my wants and desires.
My hopes and my dreams.
Dripped in ink upon my white sheets.
This letter contained everything
That my tongue would not let me untie.
A vivid picture; more like a painting
Of how the inside of my heart looks.
Da Vinci himself could not paint a more elaborate picture.
Einstein could not come up with a superior concept than I
To explain to thee in words.
I carefully placed my letter in a bottle
And let the edges of my feet touch the tip of the shore.
Debating whether I should risk the journey
And let my bleeding fingertips be set out in this ocean.
As my emotions weaved through the waves
I can only hope my heart reaches its destination.
See… I wrote yu this letter
And it was sent out to sea
Somethings locked, and I hope yu have the key.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Today I let yu get to me.
I was weak.
Why I let yu get so close
When I maintained yu at a distance.
Not listening to myself
Gets me to where im at.
Starting as a emotionless attraction
With unattached words.
Yu anger me with yur pride
But yet I seem to never stay mad.
Yu have become my forbidden fruit
The one im not suppose to touch.
But yet im a woman.
With the weakness of eve within me.
Disappointed by truth my apple will rust,
Not knowing if my lust will overwhelm me.
But lust has hurt me before
The kind that has changed a life.
At times I seem to care so much
That I stop caring at all.
I try to keep my mind open to love yu
But my heart is secretly prepared to let yu go.
A constant breakdown in my mind
Of yur unfair, my selfish, way of thinking
Then I stop…
And think…
I wont cry.
It makes me weak.
But the feeling makes me
Write stupid poetry about love and hate.
Yur getting me like this..
Yur giving me emotions
Im opening up
Damn. Im a poet


Friday, May 29, 2009

Just a Thought#2**

A concrete smile
that i am unacquainted with
seems to overwhelm me with confusion.
my mind is twisted, concluded that
my heart is no longer embedded underneath my ribs.
no heart, that could pump blood through my veins
which would leave me..breathless.
as my sun-kissed cheeks rose
at the aspiration of you relieving my pain.
my frame stiffens
and my face is flushed.
as i forgot how it felt to be admired.
so i thank you.
because happiness is all i desired.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

fundamentals of life.

so i know i havnt posted in a while just been on some lowkey type of ish.
if you want to read this then cool if not then dont.
for the last two months i think i have been beyond nice.
took ppls opinions in consideration when i really shouldnt of thought twice about what
well i guess this is the new me. same person and everything but i dont think
im ever going to allow someone to use me again. i thought i was the problem when in all reality i wasnt. i know what i want out of life and its definitely not bad karma. i guess you can say im not
i know who i am (or at least learning more about myself everyday)
ive learned you cant teach someone how to grow up. its something that comes natural..kind of something you adapt too.
so right now i have people in my life that need to be in my life for the moment or maybe even forever who knows. people come in & out of your life just to get you to the next chapter in your book.
once the chapter has ended you keep reading. life goes on.
there is really no explanation for why things happen they just do.
ill look back on these last two months and say


it may be stormy right now..but it cant rain forever=)
so me and the girls took a lil vaca to LA this weekend to get away. i can say i have never laughed so much in one weekend too much fun
met up with some pretty cool people..made new friends sooo for the most part the weekend was
doooppeee... lol
so this weekend is making me rethink my location.. i could deff do cali for a while get my stuff together. idk. AZ just has old memories and hot weather. lol.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Sex in the City Ladies/Reckless

But we Are O so ReckLess
so we went swimming and had a sex in the city moment night.
so like imagine us like 50 years from now super old and ish.. hahahah o gosh i hope not

Can anyone guess which one of the girls from the sex in the city movie lol ??? if you know our personalities you might be able to get 2 out of 4 lol

& when i need comfort they will be the first i call. =)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Skeonamm. Sundays.

So this weekend was pretty chill didn't really do anything but relax, eat, and think.
i have been looking for a photographer because one of my roomies (Tina)
works at a modeling acting agency. and nooo i dont want to be a model. been there done that
and i must say it wasn't for me i was way to bored. its for some but its more of a fun spare time thing for me.
ok ok so she is trying to set up some auditions for me on some acting gigs. nothing like super big
but like commercials and like short tv shows. i do need a profile for this and the
young modeling pics moms has under the bed from forever ago aint going to cut it.
so i have been lookin' around and i did meet this really cool guy that has done photography at some fashion shows... that
wanted me to see his work. he did a photo shoot with my other roomie(jenny) and i like his style.
its different. well anyways he snap a pic of me and i decided to save it so here it is=)

Ok soo lets keep in mind i wasnt going for a picture so i wasnt really camera ready my apologies lol

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just a thought*-#1

Apprehending that I’ve always been in power.
Allowing YOU back into MY Life.
But.. Somehow through all
The Chances…
The Kisses…

The love makin’ with… the I love yu’s
And.. let’s not forget ..
Yu still manage to fuck up.
And yu wondered.. why my guard was up?
Realizing but not acknowledging
That decisions should be made for me
And not blurred by the vision of my heart.
so for both our sake.
lets hope our futures aren’t at stake.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

i love you man!

ok so this definitely has to be one of
the funniest movies out right now. went out tonight had a great movie night so at this point im content with that movie. A- (the minus was for how the guy acted the whole movie haha) but its still an "A"..
i really needed a good laugh and this did it!
so i recommend this movie to anyone that is not so happy to see this movie!
i guarantee you that you WILL have a better night.

hahah i love my extras in this blog.
welp long day goodnight blogger world=)
all i have to say is...

i love you man.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Call me Demented

Sorry about the none blogging of mine.
alots been going on im my life sooooo kinda got slipped upp
sooo a update on my lifee

yeppp sooo got my wrist pierced-call me demented whateverr=)
andd checkk the nailss
Sooo me and tiana went shopping deff got some dooppee ishh

yahhh soo tiana just bought those glasses so she thought she was cool...
soooo after a long day at the malll
me and tiana were starving we deff wanted food (of course we did!)
called up the roomie jenny and went to

yepp it wass so bomb tiana had alligator
i had shrimp and oysters
jenny had rice and raw oysters!
(and i just had to try a raw oyster)

over all a pretty good dayyyy=)

now the night before....yikkkeeess idk if we remember too much but here are the pics anywayy

sooooo thats a little update on a happier note lol... will be updating more sorryyy bloggerr worldd

p.s. yahh i love all of my fav twitters=)ashheellyy mrs, outrageous and SIN duhhh lmao

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Identities reality

You, for whoever, you maybe
The one you have lost sight to see,
In your disguise, covered with societies mockery
Of how you should portray your imagery.
You could dominate you own opinion
And persuade others to have confidence as a male,
Instead surrounded by those who careless if you fail.
But yet;

you follow
When you could lead
Only to be in the shadows
Of those who wish they could be,
As great as you,
So they could succeed.
Persuaded that life is about
Money, Cars, and Hoes,
Hoes, that are merely
Girls that no nothing about life
Back boneless women
That are accustom to sleepless nights
But GOD knows
I cant condemn
That they idolize you, more than him.
Have you men lost the meaning of love?
Is love to you just sex misspelled..
If so then your heart shall never prevail.
Yes; your hungry for success
But now you dine at a table of deceit
Blinded by the vision for which
the one you love is left with impressions of your feet.
Its reality that you fear
But, I know its there
Because ive seen a tear
Come from a heart that you
Never even knew was there.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mayda Del Valle-Best poem ever!

we are not your mothers
and are not meant to be
it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
yet you come to us
wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we’ve become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows
have become accustomed to waiting for our empty beds
to be weighed down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent
and the hands of other women
mornings with swollen puffy eyes are becoming routine
and we simply wanting to be loved
simply wanting to be able to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting to be held and feel safe
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prynn
wear scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses
Cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for less
willing to act like a little less than a goddesses
willing to sleep with the enemy
men too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scars
so we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute
fast fading memories of playing hopscotch
and skippin’ rope
we now play freeze tag with each other’s hearts
play hide and seek with our love
if we just don’t breathe maybe we won’t get caught
up in the spider’s web we weave while waiting for what we give away to be returned

you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently you forgot that honesty
begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you love
should have never wasted my time
and just acted like the man you claimed and told the world you were
made a production of setting my folks at ease with tales of how you’d do all it ever took to never break my heart
I guess you thought you were talking to a roomful of the deaf and blind
figured they didn’t hear you
coz I never saw it coming
but the truth cannot be hidden
what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light my love
you shoulda known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
so I left
chasing paper trails of promises you’d already set on fire
left with nothing but the ashes of who you’d written that you were
and singed fingers from trying to grasp the impossible

and the only thing I’ve really lost
are lukewarm kisses
that for too long I kept trying to tune the beat of my heart, a few lies, and stories
about honesty and truth

I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn’t me

and I guess
it’s so much better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all
I know that’s some easy shit to say

but I’m still gonna try to live by it
I’m still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it

I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in
I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining
full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty
I will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and hold the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I’m sorry to her
I’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait
for a man
to come along that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me

Tuesday, March 3, 2009



This is how i have felt for the last week.
im pissed
im hormonal.
and i have writers block
i have so much to write about it won’t come out.
i hate all of them;
and yu enjoy that factor of it.

yepp bloggers yu caught me on a emotional night.

i just needed to vent a lil and say that ill be TRYING to write soon.

" j'espère qu'ils blessent aussi le mauvais comme le fais je !"


Monday, February 16, 2009

drunken weekends

He will say he loves me
Can’t live without me
Just wants to hold me.

He will say he didn’t mean to weaken me
That it should have never happened
And that he is sorry….

He will make me cry because;
He doesn’t know how to handle my love.
Wipe away my tears
And tell me everything’s ok.

He will make me feel protected
Convince me I’m his only aspiration.
He will show his dedication


He will hear me but will not listen.
Sit there with a vacant stare

question why he keeps doing wrong.

He will wonder if
“this is it”
“The last straw”
How much more can she endure?

He will sit there with
Vulnerable eyes
that can see right through me.

He will read my mind
And know what I am thinking
“That I love him”
He will grab my hands
And know my love is too profound
To detach
But; knows my arrogance will not
Leave these words unspoken.
He knows my heart is broken.

Yet; he smiles knowing that
My heart will mend.
Just like every weekend..
I forgave him

“I am more than what you bargained for, nothing less than real”—Drake

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentines day ending,..

Valentines day was not the most romantic...buttt me and tiana had fun..

-----there will be another blog about the details of valentines day----------

sooo we went to jilly's and saw mike jonees...

we were super close to him.

soo in the middle of mike jones rapping---"im in love with a stripper" a big fight broke out with some girl and a white girl that may have actually been a stripper....

i got pushed on stage with mike jones and almost knocked down the dj booth...because so may ppl were up there....
anywhooo.. we danced took pics chilled..
had to call a girl out for stepping out of line but other than that pretty good jillys night......

me and tiana at jilly's chilling.----why did we get vip and didnt get a pic with mike jones lol lame...

highlights of the night.
.....lele was deff the most entertaining person at jilly's that night.....

Sunday, February 8, 2009


-------To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful----------

ill continue to write...
will update soon.\\\\\


Friday, February 6, 2009


Okk; sooo yesterday me and tiana finally got our tats...
after a horrible wednesday of going to 4 tattoo shops
1st one closed.
2nd one only one tat artist did finger tats & he wasnt working
(of course)
3rd one closed in 15 mins.
/..... pause.........
in the middle of this driving wasting gas we manage to
get the gas light on; get lost; and pick up markk... '
(he was so annoyed lmao)

4th one...
duuhhhh it was closseedd... hahahah
(it really wasnt funny at the time.)
so we drove around for a hour.
listen to (i like big butts)----o my god.... Beckyyy look at her butt....
yahhh thats how me and tiana rolled on wednesday night.
no tat
n tired.
now yesterday...
\camyyoooo rolled with us...
(with her glass cup juice)hahha
n we got tatted.
the tattoo artist chickk was so ..h.mmmm out there... pretty much dope..
but anywho...
here are the horrible pics that we tried to take with my phone cuz my camara dieedd...

wah yu think bloggers?

heard yu got tattoo's on yur knees (dark cirles) dooopppppeeee............
eeww.. nn yur already dirty darkkkk
(insider w/ reckless)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Cigarette use...

Just another one out of the bunch
To yu we all appear identical
whats the divergence from one to another
when all satisfy yur needs.
but yet yu prefer me.
to prepare for yur satisfaction
its me.
yu tap to get yur attention.
yur lips wrapped around me
as if im yur only yearning
yur body is craving and im there
like constantly.
The light, fire that embraces the passion we have for each other
the energy that intertwines us is
But yu can only suck the existence out of me.
The energy increases.
Meanwhile i decrease.
But it makes yu feel so superior to use me up.
so good that yur willing
To put me out at anytime.
Just to save me for later.
Once yu have had adequate time with me
in yur system.
Yu put me out as if im some off brand that yur not use to.
yu dont want to throw me out
Because there is more of me left
For yu to utilize later

So no.

Maybe yu will stick me
Behind yur ear?


I could get to comfortable up in yur ear all day
something yu dont need to

Distract yu.

not in yur pocket.
I'll be smothered and compressed with very slight room to breath
so what do yu do?
so that ill last long enough to satisfy yu.
and keep yu accompany.

The box, the pack
Throw me in with the rest
As if i'm not unique.
Back in i go.


This time I'm different
Now I'm dull, belittled, and burnt.

something THEY have not yet encountered.

I sit in Mystification.

why is it we fall in love?